CD1 through 3...

Warning... this is not a happy post.

CD1 arrived... in the middle of mass... this past Sunday... on the Feast of St. Gerard. Lovely.

Later that evening I had a wonderful sob-fest on my DH's shoulder (seriously, he is a saint to put up with me), after reading about yet another person who had Crohn's disease who essentially cured it by DIET. Not by steroids (though she had been on LOADS of them, just like me), not by having her colon removed, but by DIET. That's it. So cheap (well, except that organics and a gluten and dairy free diet are not particularly cheap which is what I'm doing now), and so simple. Why, oh why, wasn't I more persistent? Why did I just accept the doctor's answer when he said there are no links? How can there NOT be??? If you're putting something in your body that your body doesn't like, OF COURSE there will be a reaction. And it certainly makes sense that if it's food, your body will react somewhere along the digestive tract. Part of me knows (and DH said this too) that I did the best I could at the time, but the word that just kept coming to me on Sunday night was failure. I'm failing in what is supposed to come so naturally. If it weren't for my colectomy, I probably wouldn't have so much trouble conceiving. My hormone levels are good now. CM is usually pretty good (some cycles not so much, others it's great). But all the adhesions... my uterus fused to the back of my abdominal wall. The tubes and ovaries buried in a mass of adhesions. For 6 YEARS before I got married and tried to conceive. I was so utterly clueless. And... I just feel like such a failure.

I used to thank God all the time for my surgery because I was so sick before. And I was so happy not to be going to doctors offices every few weeks. Little did I know... it wasn't really a cause for rejoicing. It was only going to give me more YEARS of grief. I would laugh at the irony of it all, except it's not funny any more. Not at all.

Yesterday, CD2 had me running late for mass (I slept in because really, all I want to do is stay in bed and be miserable), missing communion because we have a new pastor who doesn't yet know me (our previous one was really kind in whenever I would be late (which I try very hard not to be) he would have one of the servers get the extra chalice). So... no communion for me. And I just started crying... pretty much the whole mass. Trying very hard not to make it obvious. Afterwards, I planned to wait a little longer than usual so the church would be really cleared out before I left, and a old lady came up to me to tell me I could go receive communion after mass... I really wanted to yell at her! A sweet little old lady! IF I CAN'T RECEIVE THE HOST DURING MASS, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I CAN RECEIVE IT OUTSIDE MASS?! Fortunately, I didn't yell that at her, I just told her I wasn't feeling well, and hoped she would go away. But I wasn't very kind.

I hate the person that I become when IF rears its ugly head. And I feel powerless to stop it.

At the post office, this morning (after I took a pregnancy test to make sure I'm "not" pregnant before taking the Letrezole-  ha!) I dropped off some final papers for our SW for the home study. On my way out, a lovely and VERY pregnant woman was standing at the self-mailer. Seriously? Why couldn't it have been an old man with a cane or something? I arrived home and pulled into the driveway only to have my neighbor getting out of her car with her BRAND NEW baby. Yeah... it's obviously going to be one of those weeks.

I feel like St Theresa... "If this is how you treat your friends, Lord...."

Maybe in a few days, I'll take this post down. It's so depressing. Ugh. I sure hope it blows over soon.

Saturday Snapshots

1) The adoption class was terrific. It was so nice to meet the SWs in the agency since they'll be the ones we work with once the HS is completed. I have to start working on our profile book though now - we have to make 15 copies (they are 10 pages long (either single sheet or 5 front-back) so that each agency can give them to the birthmothers. We also have to make a DVD - once the birthmom narrows her selection, she'll usually watch 3-5 interviews with each prospective family. They're about 5 minutes long... and the agency has a company they work with specifically in each region. We watched a few to give us an idea of what the finished product looks like. It doesn't look like I'll be able to play the piano though! Not unless I can drag it into the studio, haha. :)

2) I'm enjoying reading the Prayer Buddy reveals. I knew it was coming up but it was the week of piano camp; I was packing for 2 vacations, and getting ready for the kitchen remodel; and then official sign-up occurred during our vacation and I wasn't online that much to remember to sign-up. So... I missed it this time around. :( I'm looking forward to Advent prayer buddies!! I've been praying for all of you when I read your posts though!

3) MY SISTER V. IS ENGAGED!!! I am over-the-moon excited. :-) Wedding planning is in full swing. Next week I'll have a chance to do some dress shopping and probably reception-site shopping. They haven't set a date yet, which probably depends mostly on the reception site. They are considering a Friday wedding, I think. The only trouble is that the groom's family lives quite far away... he doesn't expect a ton of people to travel, but no one in his immediate family lives close. A Friday wedding means more time off work for people. But - we've had 3 cousins in CA with Friday weddings, and have attended a few others, so it seems like they're more popular. Plus, they're cheaper! :)

4) And hot on V's tail is my sister S!!! She and her boyfriend got together with my parents earlier this week for dinner to discuss getting engaged sometime before Christmas and married sometime next summer - after V. that is! I can't believe there might be 2 weddings in the family! S hasn't been dating her boyfriend all that long... but I really can't point fingers since DH and I only dated 3 months before getting engaged! I guess when you know, you know... :) Please pray for both sisters. Both will have to move. I remember how difficult it was to make friends at first after I got married and moved to a new city. Fortunately my sister M was only 20 minutes away. That helped tremendously. V will be a few hours from me so hopefully that will help.  S will be 2 hours from home, but she suffers from anxiety (she has a history of depression too) and any change is difficult for her. Hopefully the months of planning the wedding will help her adjust and prepare for the change.

5) We're going to surprise DH's brother tomorrow evening!!!! I'm so excited!!! :-D He is performing in the Music Man and while he knows his parents and another brother/SIL are coming, he doesn't expect DH and me. Woo-hoo! Can't wait to see him, and the show. I was in the pit orchestra in high school for Music Man and know it well. BIL is part of the quartet.

6) I joined our church choir this year. I've really missed being part of an ensemble. If I had to choose, I'd rather play an instrument (I was in a handbell choir for awhile before I got married and LOVED it) but singing is good for me... I sang soprano for years and years until finally singing alto one semester in undergrad when I realized that was what I should have been doing all along. I always hear the top notes of a chord - never the inner voices. Singing alto helps tremendously. :)

Happy weekend, everyone!! :)

Dutch Apple Pie Recipe

It's Paula Deen and can be found here. Delicious on it's own and served with vanilla ice cream!
BTW, I tried different apples when I made it - the first time I used sweeter apples (gala) and the second time I used mostly Granny smith. I liked it better with the Granny smith - they balanced out the sweetness. The gala apples were good, but it was very sweet.

Enjoy! :)

Thankful Thursday

It's a good day to be grateful. I realize that tomorrow is probably CD1 based on my lovely PMS symptoms today :) but here goes...

Today I'm especially thankful for...

1). This lovely lady's announcement!! As I sat there at Mass this morning, the lector began the first reading with "A reading from the letter to the Hebrews"... I just grinned and grinned. If anyone saw me, they probably thought I was nuts!

2) My awesome hubby... I'm grateful that he works so hard to provide for us and that I'm able to continue my amazing job of home-maker and part-time piano teacher. We certainly wouldn't be making it on my salary, ha!

3) We're leaving in an hour (I hope!) for our adoption class. Well - it's tomorrow morning, but we're staying overnight tonight nearby so we don't have to drive 3 hours tomorrow morning. I can't wait!

4) A clean house. I had some time today to work around the house and I guess I just feel better after getting rid of those dust bunnies. :)

5) Game night! We're having some friends over on Saturday... I don't know what all we'll be playing, but Taboo is high on my list. It's my favorite.

6) Dutch apple pie. The one I made last week for the big 25 party turned out so well I'm making another for Saturday night. Yummm....

What are you thankful for today?

Remembering 9/11

It's so hard to believe it's already been 10 years...

On Monday, September 10th, I had a colonoscopy (ugh) which was a final look before deciding I would go through with the colectomy. Those tests aren't pleasant in the slightest, but it was really, really painful that day. I had been having pretty bad flare-ups so there was a lot of inflammation throughout my colon. So on the morning of September 11th, I was sleeping in, feeling awful and feeling kind of sorry for myself as a result of the exam. That changed when my mom came into my room and told me I needed to get up... the world had changed.

I remember going into the kitchen in my pajamas and watching the events unfold. I remember feeling so, so frightened. What was happening? Who was attacking us? What would happen next? I know my sisters eventually made it home from school (one was away at college) and my Dad. I think we just stayed in front of the TV most the day and spent time praying for the victims and their families. I think we were mostly just in shock.

One of my sisters and I were supposed to go to the Pir.ates game that evening. I can't remember what day the game ended up being rescheduled to, but I remember singing God Bless America and the Star-Spangled Banner and the feeling that just overcame the entire stadium. I still have the ticket with the original date on it.

Fast forward to the weekend and my family went out to celebrate the twins birthday at a really nice restaurant in downtown Pitts.burgh. It was on the 64th floor of the tallest building downtown and the restaurant was closing at the end of the month. The views up there were spectacular. It was kind of eerie, looking out and realizing that a few days prior planes had struck other tall buildings. When we came out after dinner, we ended up driving out behind a black SUV with GOD BLESS AMERICA! on the rear window. I remember thinking how proud I was to be an American.

I don't know that I will ever understand what could drive anyone to commit such acts. I do know that I am blessed to know members of the military who've placed themselves in danger to protect our country. How can we not be grateful for their sacrifice?

GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!

Adoption Ed class

Well... I had hoped to be blogging about how even more prepared I'm feeling right now, but the hurricane last week interrupted plans to head south to the education class. So... DH & I rescheduled for the 16th. You-know-where is going to have to freeze over before I reschedule again! :)

I assume that's when we'll learn about the Dear Birth.mother letter and photo album. I also know that our agency does some kind of DVD. I assume it's for the birthparents to view... so I'm going to have to overcome my strong dislike of how I look and sound on videos! :) Maybe I could just play the piano instead. I'd feel better about that - ha! :)

I'm really excited about the upcoming weekend. We're having a surprise 25th party for both my twin sisters, V&R (birthday) and aunt & uncle (anniversary). The twins were born 2 days after the wedding. On their wedding video (my dad was the "official" videographer), he zoomed in on my mom (being watched like a hawk by his mom) who proudly announced "I made it!". Apparently her doctor told her she was NOT to go to the wedding as she was already showing signs of labor. She did NOT pass that information on to my Dad however... She probably also wanted to see me and my sister, S, as flower girls. She even made our dresses! Yup, my mom is amazing! :)

Anyway... aunt and uncle think it's only a party for the twins and the twins think it's a party for aunt and uncle. At least, we hope they have no idea! V's boyfriend, T, is the one who had the idea. The twins also don't know DH and I are coming in for the weekend. I'm not sure if he wants us to tell them ... would it ruin the surprise for Saturday (the party) or would it throw them off track to think we are the surprise in case they do suspect something? T is in town for work tomorrow and DH and I are meeting him for dinner. Maybe he'll tell us what he'd like us to do...

I LOVE LOVE LOVE surprises! Seriously, I get practically giddy. :-D

Also... an update from my appointment with Dr. S. He pretty much said to keep on with everything we're currently doing. He said I really have to try to "re-set" my clock to "trying since this past surgery" rather than over four years. It's... hard. He does want me to get a follicular ultrasound series done, although this cycle wouldn't have worked out. Maybe this next one? I need to talk again to the fertility clinic that said they'd accept me on kind of an "out-patient" basis to make sure they are open to do scans on weekends.

I'm adding licorice root to my diet to help with adrenal fatigue. I got some tea, which is delicious!  I'm still trying to find out if I should be taking a pill form or the tea form.

Same meds though - Fem.ara on CD3, Estra.diol & Prom.etrium on P3-P12 and Amoxi.cillan on CD11-15. CM was okay this cycle... not quite as good as last month when I also took the Mucin.ex. I forgot to ask him if I could just take the Amoxi.cillan, but did it anyway. I'll probably add the Mucin.ex again next cycle. Anyone take B6 for this? How much? I take an extended release tab, I think it's 200 mg, 1x day. Should I be taking more?

Happy Tuesday everyone! :)

Happy Labor Day! UPDATED WITH RECIPE!

This is what we did today:

Super tasty!

Happy Labor Day everyone! :)


*UPDATE:
Here is the recipe (thanks for asking Hebrews!)

I pizza mix from Gluu.teny bakery. It is a gluten-free, casein-free crust mix, and they now sell on Ama.zon. It's supposed to make one crust, but I use it and make 2 - it's a thinner crust which I think helps disguise that it's GF. It is really tasty though! When I mix it, I add garlic powder, onion powder and oregano - no measurements, just to taste. I freeze the other half and it doesn't take long to defrost it. We eat pizza on Fridays, but today decided to grill the second for lunch!

I cooked the pizza dough first in the oven for 8 minutes to firm it up. It is literally a goopy, sticky mess - nothing like regular dough. Then DH grilled it on one side for 3-4 minutes, we flipped it (inside), added toppings and grilled for about 7 more minutes.

So - for any of you who can still eat gluten I'm-so-jealous, bless your hearts, you can use any dough you like. You can probably also put it on the grill to start with instead of putting it in the oven. I just had no idea how it would turn out if we just put it on the grill.

I used a grill pizza pan from Cra.te and Bar.rel that they no longer seem to carry. Maybe you can find one somewhere else? If you're using regular dough though, you might be able to put it directly on the grill? We used a charcoal grill.

Toppings
I used a parmesan-romano pasta sauce, store-bought. It's literally 99cents a jar as opposed to 4x as much for "pizza" sauce. I like it with the cheese in it. I spread a thin layer.
Fresh mozzarella, sliced thinly
2 slices of provolone cheese, deli style, sliced in thin strips
Shredded mozzarella - a sprinkling dousing. I like lots of cheese. :)
Shredded pizza blend - sprinkle to your taste
1 thinly sliced Roma tomato
1/4 of a green pepper, thinly sliced
And because I LOVE it, a few slices of pepperoni.

Enjoy!