On Joy

At mass this morning, as I started feeling CD1 mild cramping, I began counting...

4 1/2 years of trying to conceive

55 FAILED cycles

One 5 1/2 hour surgery

One 9 1/2 hour surgery

One 2 1/2 hour surgery

Countless blood draws

Hormone pill on top of hormone pill (who knows how many I've swallowed?)

What is it, something like 4,000+ abortions a day, Lord, and I'm kept waiting for one BFP???

I could go on and on...

The numerous pregnancies that have been announced, that fill me with joy and yet tear my heart out at the same time.

Wondering how in the world I'm going to handle it when my wonderful sister gets married next summer and most likely is pregnant within a few months??

The homily this morning (the Feast of St. John of the Cross) was obviously about the Cross... and alternately about the Dark Night of the Soul. The testing that God allows some souls to go through - when the soul feels abandoned by God... when prayer is dry and lacking desire.

My tears were exactly for that reason... I don't want to pray. I don't want to be at mass (well, I sort of still want to be there). I don't want to pray the Rosary. I don't want to talk to Our Lady (she after all, was pregnant! Never mind that it was the work of the Holy Spirit... again, CD1 here, obviously I'm lacking rational thought). I don't want to talk to Our Lord because I. am. just. so. mad. at. him.

To be honest, the thought I kept coming back to, was... I hate you for doing this to us!!! WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!? (Yeah.... that's a terrific way to prepare to receive him in Holy Communion.)

And of course, right before communion, the communion antiphon was "whoever wishes to come after me must  deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me, says the Lord." 

WHAM. That one hurt.

I've had about enough of this cross, Lord!!!

On my drive home, I was also thinking - It's Advent! What happened to joy and peace? What happened to hope?? I have none!! I don't even know how to get it back! Each Advent, each Christmas, is yet another marker of another year that I am not a mother. That my amazing husband is not a father. And for the thousandth time thinking my husband deserves better than me! He should be married to a woman who can give him children!

It breaks my heart. I was sobbing when I got home. Wanting to throw something across the room... I hate CD1. I hate that I know it's coming today by the cramping, but it's still not here. Like it's a promise of hope... but I know - I KNOW - it's not.

Are you even listening, God? Do you even care??

I'm here. 

I couldn't have heard it more clearly... I checked my email shortly after getting home and remembered that Silhouette is having a Christmas freebie shape each day. What is the one today? 

He's listening. He hears my pain. And... the one thing he desires for me this Advent is it's return.

Joy.

My first Award! :)

Wow! My first award(s)! A big, big, big thank you to these 3 lovely ladies Jenny, Karen and Renewing Moments!!

Apparently my head must be in the sand (or, in cookie dough (see previous post)) but I completely missed that I had been nominated! So thank you, thank you, thank you!!

The Liebster Award spotlights up and coming bloggers with fewer than 200 followers.  In return for the award, the recipient bestows the award on five of their favorite bloggers.  

I tried to find bloggers for my 5 picks who have not been nominated yet, but there may be duplicates....

My nominees are:

1. Patiently Waiting

2. Faith Makes Things Possible

3. Jeremiah 29:11

4. God Alone Suffices

5. All You Who Hope

Jeremiah and AYWH's blogs were the first blogs I began reading - a little over a year ago! Without their willingness to record their struggle with IF and their adoption stories, I wouldn't be blogging, and I certainly wouldn't be adopting... and I would still feel very much alone as an infertile Catholic. 

But really - ALL of the blogs I follow are my favorites. :) It's hard to pick just five! I feel so blessed to be part of this community!

Upon receipt of the Liebster Blog Award, there are a few very simple rules: (BUT NO PRESSURE!)

1. Copy and paste the award on your blog
2. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you
3. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
4. Hope that your followers will spread the love to other bloggers.

Quick Takes (UPDATED with Recipe!)

The Christmas Cookie edition.

So the kitchen is a disaster area for the umpteenth time this week because of the following. In no particular order....

1) Anise cookies (these are little flat cookies that are delicious! A family tradition and one of my most favorites)

2) Pizzelles

3) Peanut Butter balls

4) Almond butter balls (same recipe as number 3, but since my sister is allergic to peanuts, I thought I'd try an almond variety)

(*Note - the chocolate on #3 and #4 is hardening around me as I write. I think there are about 6 dozen total!)

5) Pecan tassies (yummy - with a cream cheese crust)

6) Cream Cheese Dreams

7) Pecan snowballs

8) Old-fashioned sugar cookies (These delicious things pretty much melt in your mouth. A college friend's recipe. Yum!)

I have a few more to make - Raspberry Stripes, "S" cookies (your basic buttery spritz cookie, but my Granny always made them in the shape of S's), , Thumbprints and Sugar cookie cut-outs. Oh, and Peppermint bark! Then I'm done!

I could really use a nice mug of tea right now and any of the above... but I'll refrain. For a little bit. A very little bit.

Happy Friday, everyone!

Here's the recipe, Lisa!
1/2 cup Butter
1/2 cup Canola Oil
1/2 cup Granulated sugar
1/2 cup Powdered sugar
1/2 tsp. Vanilla
1 Egg
1/2 tsp Baking Soda
1/2 tsp Cream of Tartar
1/2 tsp Salt
2 cups Flour
Extra granulated sugar for dipping

Cream Butter & Sugars. Add eggs & Vanilla. Mix dry ingredients, and add to wet. (It says to sift the dry ingredients but I never do!)
Roll tsp. of dough into a ball, then in granulated sugar. Press down on greased cookie sheet with glass dipped in sugar.

Bake 10-12 minutes at 375 until light golden brown.

Enjoy!! :)
(ps - they are really good with a nice cup of tea!)

GIVEAWAY WINNER!

Congratulations to Patiently Waiting! I'll contact you on your blog so you can send me your address! :)

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. DH & I arrived home this afternoon, and it only took us an extra hour with traffic. (In years past it's been 2 or 3 extra hours- ugh!) Thank goodness we left early this morning. On the way home I was so excited to get my Prayer Buddy name! Woo-hoo! I can't wait to see what God has is store for all of us this Advent.

Happy First Sunday of Advent Everyone! :)

St. Cecilia & BLOG GIVEAWAY!!

Happy Feast of St. Cecilia!!

I started piano lessons in third grade and knew even then that my life would center around music. Now, I really have my dream job - teaching children to love and appreciate music. I can remember my high school choir director telling me that he'd never been to work a day in his life. I'm so fortunate to say the same... I'm paid to do something I love. And I've been blessed to get to know some wonderful children and amazing families over the years.

When I was in Italy for the first time visiting a close friend for Easter, we went to the Catacombs of San Callisto where St. Cecilia's remains were found, and were said to be uncorrupt. Our tour guide said that she was found with one hand extending one finger and the other hand extending 3 fingers indicating her love and belief in One God and the Trinity. I have a little statue in my piano studio of St. Cecilia and have often told her story to students. If you'd like to read more about her, go here.

I'm sure I mentioned it before, but one other special reason I celebrate today is that my wonderful husband proposed on this feast day! It's 5 years today! :)

Now... for the giveaway!! I'm going to give away the latest Christmas album by Michael Buble. I had hoped to have in my hot little hands at this point. (Yes, I am bad and I have listened to Christmas music before Thanksgiving!!) Unfortunately, there was a little problem with the shipment and I didn't receive it before DH & left for our Thanksgiving trip. So, I've had to settle for listening to the album on Yo.uTube so far. I think I could listen to his voice all day.

How to enter the giveaway....

1) Follow my blog if you haven't "officially" started yet and leave a response to this post letting me know you have... and leave a prayer intention.

2) If you are already following, leave a prayer intention for me! My husband and I have a weekly Adoration time at our church and I'll be taking your intentions with me during Advent.

I will post the winner on Sunday the 27th!

Good luck and Happy Feast of St. Cecilia!

2:30 AM

Apparently lemon tea with honey sparks terrific imagination. Consumed right before bed. So that you wake up at 2:15 AM raring to go. In more ways than one...... ;)

Sooo... after lying there for a bit trying to fall back to sleep, I decided to get up and do something about the ideas buzzing in my head. And now, 5 1/2 hours later, my profile book is almost done! :-D

And it looks really good, if I do say so myself, haha. :) I even wrote our Dear Birthmother letter! Of course DH has to add his part to introduce me, and go over the birthmother letter. I'm sure he'll have things to add or edit. But I feel great about it overall. The only thing I do need is a good cover photo.

Question for all of you who have done profiles... here's the one I'm considering:

This was on our Italy trip last fall and I really like our smiles. (Hello!? Of course we're smiling, we're eating breakfast outside a little cafe in Venice!!) But, the random guy between our heads... Maybe I can try to fade the background or something.

Or ... should I go for a more formal photo and put this on the inside with our Dear Birthmother letter? I want a photo on that page to break up the writing. (I don't actually have a formal photo yet. I'm hoping to get a friend to take some pictures of us outside this weekend as long as it's nice.

Anyway... your thoughts??

Oh, and I also have 2 other smaller photos on the cover page, but this is the "attention grabber". The one that says "PICK US!! PICK US!!!" :-D

And now... well.. I'm a little tired now. The adrenaline must be wearing off... I hope I don't fall asleep at mass!

Woo-hoo!

For 2 reasons... :)

1) DH & I had a great trip to Pittsburgh this past weekend - fun times with family and the Steelers game on Sunday! It was a late game and we got back really late Sunday night, and I am still recovering from sleep deprivation, but it was worth it... especially since the Steelers beat the Patriots!! Fin.a.lly. :)

I tried loading a video of the crowd cheering after the Steelers got the safety at the end of the game, but since it's taking forever to upload (the file is probably too big), this photo I saw posted over and over again on fac.ebook will probably be enjoyed also by the lovely Rebecca and Patiently Waiting... who are both Steelers fans!

2) Another BIG woo-hoo is that we are Home Study approved! I got an email from our agency Monday morning that our copy is on its way to us. Yay!! I'll feel better when I have it in my hands, but all the same, it's good news. For those of you adopting, how long did you work on your profile books? I'm creative, but I'm worrying that my perfectionist tendencies are going to make it take longer. Maybe I should just give myself a deadline. :)

Happy Wednesday, everyone! Don't forget to keep praying for this sweet blogger who had surgery yesterday!