Tuesday, October 18, 2011

CD1 through 3...

Warning... this is not a happy post.

CD1 arrived... in the middle of mass... this past Sunday... on the Feast of St. Gerard. Lovely.

Later that evening I had a wonderful sob-fest on my DH's shoulder (seriously, he is a saint to put up with me), after reading about yet another person who had Crohn's disease who essentially cured it by DIET. Not by steroids (though she had been on LOADS of them, just like me), not by having her colon removed, but by DIET. That's it. So cheap (well, except that organics and a gluten and dairy free diet are not particularly cheap which is what I'm doing now), and so simple. Why, oh why, wasn't I more persistent? Why did I just accept the doctor's answer when he said there are no links? How can there NOT be??? If you're putting something in your body that your body doesn't like, OF COURSE there will be a reaction. And it certainly makes sense that if it's food, your body will react somewhere along the digestive tract. Part of me knows (and DH said this too) that I did the best I could at the time, but the word that just kept coming to me on Sunday night was failure. I'm failing in what is supposed to come so naturally. If it weren't for my colectomy, I probably wouldn't have so much trouble conceiving. My hormone levels are good now. CM is usually pretty good (some cycles not so much, others it's great). But all the adhesions... my uterus fused to the back of my abdominal wall. The tubes and ovaries buried in a mass of adhesions. For 6 YEARS before I got married and tried to conceive. I was so utterly clueless. And... I just feel like such a failure.

I used to thank God all the time for my surgery because I was so sick before. And I was so happy not to be going to doctors offices every few weeks. Little did I know... it wasn't really a cause for rejoicing. It was only going to give me more YEARS of grief. I would laugh at the irony of it all, except it's not funny any more. Not at all.

Yesterday, CD2 had me running late for mass (I slept in because really, all I want to do is stay in bed and be miserable), missing communion because we have a new pastor who doesn't yet know me (our previous one was really kind in whenever I would be late (which I try very hard not to be) he would have one of the servers get the extra chalice). So... no communion for me. And I just started crying... pretty much the whole mass. Trying very hard not to make it obvious. Afterwards, I planned to wait a little longer than usual so the church would be really cleared out before I left, and a old lady came up to me to tell me I could go receive communion after mass... I really wanted to yell at her! A sweet little old lady! IF I CAN'T RECEIVE THE HOST DURING MASS, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I CAN RECEIVE IT OUTSIDE MASS?! Fortunately, I didn't yell that at her, I just told her I wasn't feeling well, and hoped she would go away. But I wasn't very kind.

I hate the person that I become when IF rears its ugly head. And I feel powerless to stop it.

At the post office, this morning (after I took a pregnancy test to make sure I'm "not" pregnant before taking the Letrezole-  ha!) I dropped off some final papers for our SW for the home study. On my way out, a lovely and VERY pregnant woman was standing at the self-mailer. Seriously? Why couldn't it have been an old man with a cane or something? I arrived home and pulled into the driveway only to have my neighbor getting out of her car with her BRAND NEW baby. Yeah... it's obviously going to be one of those weeks.

I feel like St Theresa... "If this is how you treat your friends, Lord...."

Maybe in a few days, I'll take this post down. It's so depressing. Ugh. I sure hope it blows over soon.

10 comments:

  1. I understand what you mean about becoming a different person when IF struggles get the best of you.....but remember that is not who your really are! We all have our bad days, but the most important thing is bouncing back and realizing that God is with us every step of the way. Not sure if you saw my post today, but we are on the same wavelength with our thoughts. Prayers for us both!

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  2. Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry. I think we all know how you feel. It always seems like when you're at your lowest, there are babies everywhere. But, after about CD5 or so, I usually start perking back up. I can also relate to regretting having a surgery. Back in '07 I had an open surgery to remove a fibroid from the back side of my uterus. I know that caused all my scar tissue, and I feel pretty confident that I didn't need that surgery, because the surgeon told me that she had a hard time measuring the fibroid because it was starting to disintegrate. So, if I had just left things alone, it would have cured itself? Who knows, but your husband is right, you did the best you could and made the best decision you could at the time. And, thank goodness there is Dr. H and PPVI to take care of all the adhesions. I will say a prayer for you. In the meantime, can you have chocolate and wine on your diet? That cheers me up. :)

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  3. Some days are so hard; I'll be praying for you! I think that sometimes we just have to accept who we are in the hard times because there really isn't much you can do at those moments (or there isn't much I can do, anyway), and then we can work on being more ourselves later.

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  4. So sorry about your difficult time. Please do not even think of yourself as a failure! You can't go back and change the past, so try not to dwell on the "what ifs" from then. God can (and will) use your current situation and health issues for His glory. He is much bigger than the decisions you made in the past about your health (which you thought were the best for that time). Try to hang in there and look to God to reveal your next step. Hugs.

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  5. Don't worry about the post being an "ugly" one...we have all been there and it's encouraging to hear others going through it too. I mean, there have been times I have felt so much bitterness and thought to myself, "there's no way that other women who struggle act like this." but then read a post from someone that shows that this cross especially HARD at times and it helps me to not feel so alone.

    I'm truly sorry you are feeling like this but am praying extra for you today and this week. You are stronger than you think...just don't ever give up.

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  6. I'm so sorry about CD1, the very preggo lady, the new baby and your stress about mass. It is a LOT to deal with. Its ok to be down some days ... we all do the best we can, but we're human too. Its hard NOT to struggle with emotion, especially in relation to infertility. I feel that IF changes me too. I'll keep you in my prayers.
    Like Faith Makes Things Possible said ... your post helps me not feel so alone.

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  7. Sorry you are feeling down. Don't give up!! God has good things in store.

    I saw your comment on my post...I think the FertileCM did help, but I also noticed that when I drank more water I had more mucus too, I forgot to put that in my post.

    If you're interested, I do have a partial bottle of FertileCM left, I could send it to you if you want. I'm not sure how many are left. The bottle has been opened, so if you are not comfortable with that, I understand. But if you want it, it's yours..just email me at blogger hebrews at g mail dot com.

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  8. I am so sorry that it is pouring when it is raining :(. It does seem to come all at once, doesn't it?

    And like Faith Makes Things Possible and All in His Perfect Timing have already said, I am grateful to you for sharing your pain and frustrations, IF is so isolating, it helps to know that others have these thoughts too...though I wish with everything in me none of us would ever have to have them again.

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  9. I'm late on this comment-sorry. I've been praying for you!!

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  10. I had a boo-hoo ugly cry moment at mass last week too. Ditto to what everyone said above too-you help me feel like I'm not so alone.

    Ania
    mcdonnell418.blogspot.com

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