Wednesday, December 14, 2011

On Joy

At mass this morning, as I started feeling CD1 mild cramping, I began counting...

4 1/2 years of trying to conceive
55 FAILED cycles
One 5 1/2 hour surgery
One 9 1/2 hour surgery
One 2 1/2 hour surgery
Countless blood draws
Hormone pill on top of hormone pill (who knows how many I've swallowed?)

What is it, something like 4,000+ abortions a day, Lord, and I'm kept waiting for one BFP???

I could go on and on...

The numerous pregnancies that have been announced, that fill me with joy and yet tear my heart out at the same time.

Wondering how in the world I'm going to handle it when my wonderful sister gets married next summer and most likely is pregnant within a few months??

The homily this morning (the Feast of St. John of the Cross) was obviously about the Cross... and alternately about the Dark Night of the Soul. The testing that God allows some souls to go through - when the soul feels abandoned by God... when prayer is dry and lacking desire.

My tears were exactly for that reason... I don't want to pray. I don't want to be at mass (well, I sort of still want to be there). I don't want to pray the Rosary. I don't want to talk to Our Lady (she after all, was pregnant! Never mind that it was the work of the Holy Spirit... again, CD1 here, obviously I'm lacking rational thought). I don't want to talk to Our Lord because I. am. just. so. mad. at. him.

To be honest, the thought I kept coming back to, was... I hate you for doing this to us!!! WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!? (Yeah.... that's a terrific way to prepare to receive him in Holy Communion.)

And of course, right before communion, the communion antiphon was "whoever wishes to come after me must  deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me, says the Lord." 

WHAM. That one hurt.

I've had about enough of this cross, Lord!!!

On my drive home, I was also thinking - It's Advent! What happened to joy and peace? What happened to hope?? I have none!! I don't even know how to get it back! Each Advent, each Christmas, is yet another marker of another year that I am not a mother. That my amazing husband is not a father. And for the thousandth time thinking my husband deserves better than me! He should be married to a woman who can give him children!

It breaks my heart. I was sobbing when I got home. Wanting to throw something across the room... I hate CD1. I hate that I know it's coming today by the cramping, but it's still not here. Like it's a promise of hope... but I know - I KNOW - it's not.

Are you even listening, God? Do you even care??

I'm here

I couldn't have heard it more clearly... I checked my email shortly after getting home and remembered that Silhouette is having a Christmas freebie shape each day. What is the one today? 


He's listening. He hears my pain. And... the one thing he desires for me this Advent is it's return.

Joy.

13 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry! I have felt and still feel a lot of the same things, always more pronounced when cd1 comes around. Thanks for the reminder that He's listening because it sure doesn't feel like it usually. Praying that your cross will be lifted soon!

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  2. I do believe that I am glad for our work potluck lunch today because it made me miss daily mass. I wasn't glad at first, but I think I'd probably have lost it if I'd gone today...that communion antiphon, how hard I am trying and yet I feel these emotions and thoughts. Ugh. CD1 sucks. I am sorry and you are in my prayers.

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  3. I'm so, so sorry. It is so frustrating to count all the failed tries to have a baby (don't worry, I've done it too). As the number grows, I agree that it gets harder to be happy and have hope. You are not alone in thinking that your husband deserves better (this has been our discussion this last week in my house). I, too, wish that I could have the baby who would be/has been aborted. It seems like there's no justice. I'm praying for you today.

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  4. I can't even begin to imagine struggling with this for over 4 years...my heart just breaks for you! I'm not sure anything I can say will bring comfort, but you're in my prayers!

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  5. I am so sorry! I wish I could comfort you but I have no words. I have felt the exact same. My soul often feels dry and I almost feel that I can no longer bear this cross of IF. Praying that God blesses you soon.

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  6. I try very hard not to do an inventory of our IF -- if I did, I would lose my mind.

    The holidays are so tough when dealing with IF. There are just too many reminders that our arms are empty.

    Remember that you're not alone. We're here for you and we're praying for you.

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  7. So sorry....praying for you, my friend!

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  8. The holidays really seem to bring the pain of IF into full light...

    Not fun at all.

    :(

    You aren't alone...I'm praying for you!

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  9. CD 1 sucks...

    Praying for you.

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  10. I'm sorry it's been so rough! There are days of waiting that seem never ending.

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  11. I'm praying for you right now. IF and the holidays are two things that can never peacefully coexist...then again IF and anything really can't!

    He is listening to you, and I hope that you are able to listen to His quiet whisper of Joy. Sometimes it's really hard though.

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  12. Praying!

    Just a thought-- from being around you and your hubby it is plainly obvious that he absolutely adores you. No one else could make him nearly as happy. He will be an excellent father to your children, but only if you are the mother. He deserves you, and you are such a treasure in his life.

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