4 1/2 years of trying to conceive
55 FAILED cycles
One 5 1/2 hour surgery
One 9 1/2 hour surgery
One 2 1/2 hour surgery
Countless blood draws
Hormone pill on top of hormone pill (who knows how many I've swallowed?)
What is it, something like 4,000+ abortions a day, Lord, and I'm kept waiting for one BFP???
I could go on and on...
The numerous pregnancies that have been announced, that fill me with joy and yet tear my heart out at the same time.
Wondering how in the world I'm going to handle it when my wonderful sister gets married next summer and most likely is pregnant within a few months??
The homily this morning (the Feast of St. John of the Cross) was obviously about the Cross... and alternately about the Dark Night of the Soul. The testing that God allows some souls to go through - when the soul feels abandoned by God... when prayer is dry and lacking desire.
My tears were exactly for that reason... I don't want to pray. I don't want to be at mass (well, I sort of still want to be there). I don't want to pray the Rosary. I don't want to talk to Our Lady (she after all, was pregnant! Never mind that it was the work of the Holy Spirit... again, CD1 here, obviously I'm lacking rational thought). I don't want to talk to Our Lord because I. am. just. so. mad. at. him.
To be honest, the thought I kept coming back to, was... I hate you for doing this to us!!! WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!? (Yeah.... that's a terrific way to prepare to receive him in Holy Communion.)
And of course, right before communion, the communion antiphon was "whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me, says the Lord."
WHAM. That one hurt.
I've had about enough of this cross, Lord!!!
On my drive home, I was also thinking - It's Advent! What happened to joy and peace? What happened to hope?? I have none!! I don't even know how to get it back! Each Advent, each Christmas, is yet another marker of another year that I am not a mother. That my amazing husband is not a father. And for the thousandth time thinking my husband deserves better than me! He should be married to a woman who can give him children!
It breaks my heart. I was sobbing when I got home. Wanting to throw something across the room... I hate CD1. I hate that I know it's coming today by the cramping, but it's still not here. Like it's a promise of hope... but I know - I KNOW - it's not.
Are you even listening, God? Do you even care??
I couldn't have heard it more clearly... I checked my email shortly after getting home and remembered that Silhouette is having a Christmas freebie shape each day. What is the one today?
He's listening. He hears my pain. And... the one thing he desires for me this Advent is it's return.